Team Dattch, the lesbian app
So you’ve completed your profile. You are witty and self-confident without being boastful. You’re modest, funny, and someone I totally want to get to know. Until I look at your picture and realize that you have committed one of the unforgivable sins of online dating profile photographs.
There are many reasons why girls may be consigned to internet history exile, but don’t let the reason be your photo.
NO. 1: I’M A CAT
It is inexcusable to have your pet as your main profile photo. Unless you are a lesbian dog, cat or parakeet in search of a partner, but I think they have specific sites for that. By all means, if you are a great lover of a particular pet, stick a quick snap of them near the end of your photo reel, but in general, girls don’t like to think that they are talking to someone that is so visually unappealing that they thought a dog was a better looking option.
NO. 2: I HAVE NO FACE
Don’t get me wrong, I love boobs, I also love hips, necks, side-of-the-heads, good hair, elbows, bums and such. But before I start getting to know your left shoulder or your torso, I’d really like to see your face. Not putting your face in a profile photograph is a little bit like the equivalent of creating a canned food with no label. Sure, I might like it, but I’d love to see it before I get it home.
Your face is, presumably, what I am going to be looking at if we go on a date, so I don’t think a sneak peek is inappropriate. Some girls seem to think faceless photographs are arty and mysterious. They aren’t. They merely leave most of us wondering what it is you’re hiding, like is there a cat growing out of your face that we should know about?
NO. 3: I HAVE ASTONISHINGLY HOT FRIENDS, THUS I AM HOT BY ASSOCIATION
This is a pet hate of mine. You look through the words of a profile and think, “Great! I like her; she enjoys Pinot Grigio and archery!” Then you see the photograph of five smiling friends and have to try to pick out your prospective date from the line-up. This isn’t a fun game. This usually leaves me assuming that you are the least attractive one, and that you are lulling me into a false sense of security that I am talking to the scorching brunette on your right. Not fair.
NO. 4: THIS WAS ME EIGHT YEARS AGO
This crime against fellow online daters is absolutely rife. Everybody knows of somebody who has turned up to an online date, expecting someone with hair and finding that a geriatric awaits them. I am sure you did look fabulous at your school leaver’s do; your hair was a masterpiece, but that is a very long time ago now, and your boobs are nearer your knees than your chest. Deception is not sexy.
NO. 5: THIS IS MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
Another terrible habit amongst girl online daters is the picture of two girls. One of them is smooching the other’s cheek. Is this girl your friend, or is she, as your ex, my sworn enemy? Are we going to have fights over this girl? Do you have joint custody of a small animal? I’m already stressed by the potential confusion and sadness that this will create. I can’t bear the tension. Next.
NO. 6: I GREW UP IN AN AGE OF TECHNOLOGY BUT STILL CAN’T USE THE TIMER ON A CAMERA
This goes out to the girls who take photographs in the mirror. Please, get a friend or learn how to work the timer on the camera. Plus, the flash distorting half of your face and making you all sparkly makes you look like an extra from “Twilight.”
NO. 7: LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU
Yes, I’m talking about your toilet. Girls, the last thing I need before even the first date is to see, despite you being glamorous and pretty, the throne on which you do your poos. Mystery: try it.
Dattch The Lesbian App is out for iOS and Android. Loved by Lesbian.com, AfterEllen and Autostraddle, we are the social platform for all things gay. Free download!