Ask the Femme: My girlfriend and I both cheated. Should we break up?

Natasia Langfelder of Ask the FemmeBY NATASIA LANGFELDER

Dear Femme,

In college, I thought I was straight, until a friend, Kaye, kissed me. I needed to explore it and eventually, I tried chatting online and met a girl, let’s call her Gdoll. I felt sparks.

We ended up together for nearly 5 years. Gdoll was my first girlfriend, a discreet femme-to-femme relationship. We are in “BFF status” in public. It’s been hard, and I’ve cheated a few times. I kissed my ex, flirted heavily with a guy I met in an online game, went on a date with a work colleague and ended up sleeping with Kaye before she was going abroad longterm. While sleeping with Kaye I felt guilty and was thinking about my Gdoll.

I know it was wrong. Most of my sins, Gdoll has found out through my Facebook account. She has forgiven me for everything. We sat down and talked about the future, having boyfriends or husbands and families, but staying girlfriends. I thought she was totally okay with that agreement.

Then one night this year we went clubbing, and she danced with a guy and kissed him, and I did the same even though and it was painful to see her with a guy. Second night, we went clubbing again only this time, I was the one dancing with and kissing a guy. Gdoll was dancing with some friends then she suddenly pulled my hair and we almost had a catfight at the club. We left immediately.

Now I was confused. The first night it was okay, the second night she was acting weird?

She decided to remove our labels as “girlfriends,” but we are still living together and doing things like girlfriends. It really hurts knowing that she removed our labels but I have to respect her decision.

Then an ex re-enters my life wanting to reconcile. I’ve been honest with Gdoll so I told her. Gdoll was not in favor of my ex; let’s call him Smith. Gdoll says she doesn’t like Smith because he broke my heart and cheated on me. But that was 8 years ago and I think he’s a changed man now. I know Gdoll was hurt.

One night, on our anniversary while she was sleeping, I snuck out to her phone just to leave a video message of myself telling Gdoll how much I love her. I’m not the kind of person who sneaks into my partner’s phone. I tried guessing her password and eventually, jackpot! To my surprise, I saw naked pictures of Gdoll and naked pictures of another girl… And a picture of Gdoll wearingthe lingerie I gave her during our anniversary. And she had sex videos of them in a motel room. They even do things in bed that we don’t do.

I watched everything while she’s slept. I couldn’t help myself so I woke her up. She explained everything to me. She’s telling me that it just happened, she was in pain and she was so sorry. Gdoll had met this girl BEFORE me and Smith had started talking again. Is she making up stories to make me feel guilty? Or to cover up her mistake?

I am torn. Will Gdoll and I be okay and return to normal? Somehow I feel that Smith is a changed man, he even dreams of having his own family with me. To be honest, after what Gdoll did to me, I felt like ditching her. And be with Smith, when I was about to ditch her. I can’t. I still love her so much. Honestly I want them both. At the same time, also for the sake of my family, I want to have my own family in the future. Smith arrived yesterday from California and I don’t know what to do. Should I meet him to test waters? Do I tell Gdoll? How can me and Gdoll be back to normal if I can’t trust her enough? I have a lot of questions in my mind and I can’t seem to find an answer. I can’t come out of my closet. My family’s reaction wouldn’t be good. I have two aunts that are lesbians and they are still not accepted in the family.

I really, really need your help Natasia, OMG. I apologize for writing a book. I just really don’t know what to do. I guess God gave me the reason to suddenly land on your Blog. ='(

Thanks so much and I appreciate your advice in advance! Xo


*Please note that the letter writer is in a country that’s not very LGBT friendly and this letter has been edited down because it was quite long.

girl covering eyesDear ST,

There’s a lot going on in this letter and I’m going to try to be as concise as possible. It basically boils down to two things.

1) You need to decide if you are okay with being in a monogamous lesbian relationship and
2) You need to move on from your messy romantic past and grow up.

I don’t want to come across as too harsh, because I think you are a good person with a big heart and that you love easily and give a lot to your partners. That might mean that you are polyamorous or bi or pansexual and you should feel free to explore that without the confines of a relationship and with a clean slate of complete honesty.

… But I have bad news. I don’t think you and Gdoll are going to work. You have both done things that have severely damaged the trust in your relationship. Staying together for 5 years is an accomplishment and you two have clearly had some great times and care about each other… But there’s too much water under the bridge.

I’m also wondering how much you are struggling with external pressures to be in a straight relationship. You had a girlfriend that you loved enough to at least want to try to be monogamous with, yet you both decided it was okay if you had boyfriends and even husbands?! Is that really what you both wanted or did you realize that would have to happen to fit into the future society and your family expected you to have? This isn’t to cast doubt on your queerness or your feelings for men. Plenty of bisexual women are in monogamous straight or monogamous lesbian relationships.

You can’t be mad at Gdoll for not being out to her parents when you are never going to come out to your parents. If you never want your family to know you are bi, you will struggle to have a deep, monogamous relationship with another woman if you want both her and your family in your life. How important is it to you to be with a woman in a romantic way? Remember that you only have one shot at life. You can choose to live it in a way that makes your family happy or you can choose to follow your heart and make yourself happy no matter what.

I think that your relationship with Gdoll wouldn’t be as badly ruined if you two had just decided to forget about getting husbands for the future while you were together. But you BOTH also cheated on each other with other WOMEN. So. This is probably not meant to be.

Getting back to the matter at hand. Break up with Gdoll and move out and for goodness’ sake do not get back together with your ex-boyfriend. Why would you want to get back together with someone who cheated on you eight years ago after the cheating drama you have had in your current relationship?! You can be friends without getting back together. You are young and gorgeous and there are people that you don’t have history with that you could consider dating. Being in a relationship where you feel safe, secure and loved will bring you a feeling of peace that it sounds like you haven’t been able to have so far.

But maybe dating shouldn’t be your focus right now anyway. Sit down and figure out who you are, what you want your future to look like, what qualities you want in a partner, if monogamy is something you want out of life and if you are willing to deal with the consequences of having a woman as a life partner.

Once you have that sorted, go on a few dates with people and don’t rush into anything. Be upfront and honest about what you want from them. And if it’s with a woman, maybe try out some of the things you saw Gdoll doing with the other girl in that video. You know, for research purposes.

Good luck ST! Let me know how it goes.



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