Ask the Femme: I think my wife cheated

Natasia Langfelder of Ask the FemmeBY NATASIA LANGFELDER

Dear Femme,
My wifey and I have been together for 12 years. Realistically, we know that forever is a long ass time and we both are flirty people. We have a don’t ask don’t tell but DON’T CHEAT policy in place. Flirting is fine as long as it’s not in the other person’s face and doesn’t go beyond flirting. I can’t be sure, but I think my wife has crossed the line.

She met someone and was flirting with them and she gave out her number. I picked up her phone to check a text message from her sister for her and underneath her sister’s number, there was another number that wasn’t saved as a name. There were some text messages back and forth. Nothing that was outright cheating. But it hurt. I’m mad and sad and so angry at her for breaking the rules of our agreement. She said she was sorry, but I’m still mad. What should I do?


If you are asking if you should leave your wife of 12 years over an innocuous text message exchange, the answer is no! Don’t leave her over that; that would be crazy. I definitely understand why you are hurt and angry but this isn’t a betrayal worthy of trashing a marriage over.

I admire you two for accommodating each other’s flirtiness. It’s reasonable to expect that in a long term relationship, two people will occasionally be attracted to other people. It’s how you handle those situations that make or break a long term relationship.

You say that your wife did betray your trust and break the “rules.” However, how communicative were you about these “rules?” Does she know that the “rules” stop just shy of getting numbers? If you haven’t been clear about where you are comfortable drawing the line, accept her apology and specifically state that you want the rule to be “no numbers exchanged.”

Nothing undermines a relationship quite like holding onto grudges. Being unforgiving of your partner, especially when s/he has apologized, is cutting off your nose to spite your face. So draw your line in the sand, forgive and head to couples counseling if you’re partner goes behind your back and does it again.

Good luck, Heartbroken!

The Femme

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Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

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