Ask the Femme: Should I tell my boyfriend I’m bisexual?


Illustration by Lee Ely

Illustration by Lee Ely

Hello there Femme!

Before tonight I had never heard of but I stumbled upon it after a night out with my girls and I saw your advice column. I really like how honest you are with your readers and I decided after reading like three posts to submit a question.

First of all, I have always identified as heterosexual. I’ve made out with a couple ladies in my teens but never been intimate with another woman. I find women attractive but I never really considered myself a bisexual or lesbian until recently.

I’m at a point now where I feel as though I am bisexual because I seek out lesbian pornography and I am extremely curious about relations with women. Not only that, there was a really hot girl working one of the concession stands tonight at the fair who told me I was “so cute.” I just melted under pressure and said thanks, tipped her and left. I thought about her the rest of the night. I’m comfortable enough to own my sexuality within myself but, I’ve been dating this guy for close to two years and that sort of complicates things.

A part of me thinks I need to tell him because I know that not everyone feels comfortable with dating a bisexual. At the same time, I’m not sure how he’ll react once he finds out and if our relationship will be secure.

I just want to know if it’s the right thing to go ahead and tell him or just keep it to myself.

-To Share or not to Share

Dear Share,

Congratulations on finding yourself! I’m really excited for you to begin this journey. But you know, talk about burying the lede! It sounds like maybe you aren’t very serious about this guy you have been dating for two years, because you don’t call him your boyfriend. Still, two years is a really long time to just date someone casually and you obviously don’t want to lose him. I vote tell him. Tell him because you need to see if he’s is someone worth keeping. I can’t say if your relationship will be secure once you tell him, because I don’t know how he will feel about dating someone who is bisexual. But if you lose him, then good riddance. Biphobia is definitely something you will encounter along your journey, Share. But there are plenty of people who will be totally cool with it and these are the people who are worth your time and affection.

On another note, it’s really unclear to me whether or not you and this guy are monogamous. If you are monogamous, then you probably shouldn’t get numbers from cute concession stand workers. Going out with women when you are in a relationship with a man is only okay if you and that man have discussed this and everyone is fine with that arrangement- including the women you want to date. Communication to all romantic partners is so important when you are dating more than one person. That holds true no matter what your orientation.

Best of luck, Share! Let us know how it goes!


The Femme

Have a question for me? Shoot me an email at

About the Artist: Lee Ely is a Brooklyn based illustrator. For more about them visit or purchase their work at

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