Queer Abby: To bi or not to bi?



Meet Queer Abby, our new advice columnist, feel free to ask her anything in the comments below or write to her directly at abagailwaller@gmail.com.

Brandon writes:

Hi Abby!

My question has a bit of background to it. I’m a male straight ally, but there’s always been a connection between myself and bi women. I was friends with a lesbian couple back in college. One half of that couple started wondering if she was bi. She trusted me, So she asked that I help her test the theory. Her girlfriend seemed cool with it, but there was too much potential for drama. Consequently, I decided to wait on that for a bit.  Good thing I did, as the other half expressed some insecurity later on.  This has become a running theme in my love life. Bi girls express interest, and others in the LGBT community feel somewhat threatened by that. Is there a right way to navigate this phenomenon?

Trusted Ally Brandon

Dear T.A.B.,

First and foremost, even though you might feel as though you have some form of connection with bi women, I tend to think there are some flaws with your way of thinking. All people are unique. We all have different emotional, physical, and intellectual needs and desires. The only thing these women you refer to have in common is that they are bi. It sounds to me like you are the one constant factor, so perhaps it is you that seeks out bi women for one reason or another.
Also, I cannot convey how important it is to stay out of other people’s relationships. With so many fish in the sea, why try to snag one that’s on someone else’s hook? It is almost always not a good idea to get involved with someone who is…well…involved. 99% of the time one person will feel insecure or get their feelings hurt, which proved to be the case in the situation you talked about.

You say that bi girls expressing interest in you is a recurring theme in your life, yet you only talk about one negative scenario where it did not work out in your favor. If this tends to be the theme, I’d say it’s time to change your game.

Lastly, you call yourself an ally. So, you must believe that the LGBTQ community faces constant discrimination, as well as social disadvantage. You’re likely aware that many in what can sometimes feel like a teeny community find it difficult to date because of the statistically smaller dating pool. I would say that, more than likely, this is why some feel threatened — by dating bi women, you’re making that already small pool even smaller.

What goes on between two consenting adults is the business of those individuals. You cannot help who you’re attracted to and vice versa. However, in our country rampant with straight male privilege, if you truly are an ally of the LGBTQ community I would recommend trying to handle any dating situation with a minority with the utmost compassion and sensitivity.


Leave a Reply

  • (will not be published)