Ask the Femme: Was I catfished?

Natasia Langfelder of Ask the FemmeBY NATASIA LANGFELDER

Hello Femme,

How are you? Where do I begin? Back in September of this year I commented on a post of a friend that I went to high school with. I agreed with this chick Jackie’s comment. Jackie Facebook messaged me and said, “so you agree with my post?” I told her that I did. We discussed marriage and compromising with men. I remember saying that if marriage happens for me it happens if not I am not going to rush it or compromise just to have a man put a ring on my finger. I won’t allow a man to belittle me or take away facets of my independence to please him to have a ring. We became unstoppable. We would message each other every other day.

About 30 days later, it occurred to me that Jackie could be gay or bisexual based on a few of her comments. I admit I can be slow at times. I asked her when was the last time she got laid. We exchanged information. I asked if her she was gay and she responded, “How long have you been wanting to ask me that?” I was very honest I told her recently. She shared that she had the most powerful and empowering sexual experience with a woman and she likes having sex with women. I started to see her in a brighter light. We messaged and text-ed daily. I finally called her, but she had a ring tone, which I thought was weird in this day and age. And, then I thought I heard a dude’s voice and I got nervous. I messaged her that I called her and she got upset. She said that when she’s comfortable she’ll make the call. I thought that was selfish this was after 60 days of messaging. She asked me out and I agreed. Since then, she has cancelled on me three times. The second time I didn’t hear from her for about three days and I unfriended her on Facebook.

She responded to me and apologized. She said that she was embarrassed about what she did to me and felt that she was being selfish and pushing me to be with a woman. To be honest Femme, it was my decision to agree to meet with her. I was doing what I wanted to do. Now it has been four months and we sext all the time. It has gotten to the point where when I go to sleep and wake up all I did was think of her in a sexual manner. She kept telling me how adorable, beautiful, and sexy I was. The conversations with her was so good. At one point, she got irritated when I asked her if her friends and family knew if she was gay. She fired back does your friends and family know your into a girl? I told her “yes” my closest friends and little sister knew about her and that their concerned that we haven’t met. She got mad.

Recently, I put my foot down and called her again and left a message. I asked her via Facebook messenger if she got my message and she claims that she hasn’t checked her messages or emails all day. I thought that this was weird. I restricted her on Facebook and told her that if we can’t speak on the phone then we should go our separate ways. This made no sense conversing with a person for almost four months and no phone conversation. Plus, I saw enough episodes of MTV’s “Catfish.” I have dudes that I met on POF and Tinder that asked for my number in a matter of days and we’ve gone out. I consulted with my little sister as she’s a lesbian. She advised me to cut this woman off, if she doesn’t want to meet or talk on the phone as something isn’t right. I told her that I thought someone was off and I needed to talk to her on the phone. She got really mad and called me names. After that, I never heard from Jackie again and I don’t intend on reaching out to her as much as I would love to.

Femme, I would love your feedback on my situation. Truth of the matter, I miss Jackie! a lot!


Special K

Special K,
You sound so sweet! Thank you for asking me how I am, I’m very well. I have some bad news for you, I believe you’ve been catfished. For any of my readers who don’t know the term, a catfish is someone who is pretending to be someone else online while attempting to form relationships with others.

MTV has created an entire show about trying to catch “catfish” at the request of the people who have been scammed. Figuring out if you are talking to a catfish or not is pretty simple, do a google image search on your catfish, ask them to take a picture of them holding a paper with your name on it, google the phone number they give you, see if they have pictures with other people on their social media account, see if they have interactions with those people on their FB wall or twitter, etc. Usually when someone is dealing with a catfish, they don’t want to know that the other person is fake, so they ignore the warning signs.

I totally agree with your sister about cutting off contact with Jackie. Jackie is probably a dude and that’s why “she” isn’t going to talk to you on the phone and doesn’t want to meet in person “yet.” I know Jackie hasn’t tried to contact you, but I would suggest blocking her on all social media. The show “Catfish” has shed light on the motivations of the people who enjoy catfishing others. Most of them are sad, lonely, depressed, ashamed of their looks, etc. But a few of them are narcissistic sociopaths and one was even pretty scary, to the point where it seemed like he wanted to assault his former online romance as well as the hosts of the show.

Your encounter with Jackie has left you confused and lonely. That comes across really strongly in your letter. I’m so sorry that you miss her so much. You two were close for four months, so I’m not surprised. I think that you should grieve the loss of this relationship just like you would any other. I definitely recommend grabbing some ice cream and heading over to to watch some episodes of “Catfish.” This will help you in a few ways:

  1. You will learn are not the only one who has been duped.
  2. You will realize don’t want to meet “Jackie” in person, as it will be at best a disappointment and at worst dangerous.
  3. You will learn some tools to keep this from happening again.

OK, so now we know Jackie is fake. Don’t think of the time you spent talking to her as wasted time. Take this as an opportunity to explore what you’ve learned from this. Ask yourself why you were so willing to spend so much time talking with a stranger online. Is there anything missing in your life now that would prompt that? Are you lonely? Do you need a new BFF or some new friends in your life? Do you want a relationship? A really good way to make new friends and meet potential partners is to take up some new hobbies, hit the gym, read a book in a bar instead of at home, etc. Just get out there into the world, away from your computer screen and see what happens. I’m not saying that people can’t make a strong connection online, but as you found out with Jackie, eventually you need to take things offline for them to work. It will also help you miss Jackie less if you are otherwise occupied.

We also need to talk about the queer fish in the room. If you were attracted to Jackie, you might be bisexual or pansexual or queer. You might be something. Do you want to explore that side of yourself now that it exists? That’s up to you, but you might want to think about that for awhile. Maybe go hang with your sister when she goes to grrl bars or queer events (just don’t cramp her style) or join OK Cupid or Tinder, if you are feeling brave. Go find out if you have chemistry with a woman in person or if Jackie was just a safe outlet for you to explore your girl-on-girl fantasies. Some fantasies are fun to play out and some are meant to just stay in our imagination. You would benefit from figuring out which this is for you.

Good Luck, K!

The Femme

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Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

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