Ask the Femme: My girlfriend hates that I’m bi!

Natasia Langfelder of Ask the Femme

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Hey Femme,

My girlfriend doesn’t like that I’m bi. I love her way too much to lose her and we have a kid on the way. She said that if I don’t change that she is going to break up with me. I just don’t understand why she is like this. Please help me.


Hi JM,

I’m going to try to help you. But honestly, I don’t know if anyone can make your girlfriend accept you for you who are. Due to societal stigma, bisexuals often struggle with partners’ biphobia. We’ve all encountered these stereotypes, from “bisexuals have more potential people to cheat with,” “bisexuals can’t make up their mind about which gender they prefer so they cheat” to “bisexuality is just a stop on the train to gaysville” and the extremely hurtful, “bisexual men aren’t as masculine because they sleep with other men” or “bisexual women aren’t as ‘real’ as lesbians.” Biphobia is very real — but like any other phobia, sometimes people can over come it.

"I kiss boys and girls" bisexual rainbow

Is it that big of a deal?

There’s no way for me to tell if any or all of these are why your girlfriend is upset, so I’m going to keep this answer simple and to the point. If there wasn’t a baby on the way I would tell you to break up with her if she can’t accept you for who you are. However, you love your girlfriend enough to be considering parenting together, and that’s much more to walk away from than just a relationship.

Don’t ever lose who you are for your relationship, but do what you can to make your partner feel comfortable, safe and loved.

Talk to her. Tell her that yes, you are bisexual but bisexual isn’t something you are doing to her, it’s just one piece of who you are. You are choosing to be with her and her alone. You are monogamous and you want to build your life with her. Ask her how your bisexuality impact your day-to-day life; it’s highly unlikely your sexuality impacts how you cook dinner or how supportive you can be or what kind of love you can offer or if remember birthdays or wake up with the alarm clock.  If she can’t accept that, there’s really nothing you can do, but my guess is that she will accept that because she wants you to quell the fears she has based on the stereotype of who a bisexual person is. Show her that a bisexual partner is as great as any partner, and hopefully she will come around.

You should also make sure that you keep supportive friends in your life. This can range from people that make you feel connected to the queer community or people that will let you talk about who you are without judgment. Read websites that cater to the LGBTQ community or books by and for queer people. Ensure that you stay connected to all the parts of yourself.

Good luck, JM. Let me know how it goes!


The Femme

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3 Responses to “Ask the Femme: My girlfriend hates that I’m bi!”

  1. Bisexual Community

    While the advice columnist does an excellent job here, especially like her comment on “Don’t ever lose who you are for your relationship” and also advising “You should also make sure that you keep supportive friends in your life”, this entire situation as described creeps me out a bit.

    Especially with a child on the way. Especially given the high rates of domestic violence directed towards bisexual people. Especially the demands that the bisexual partner must “change”, which sounds a great deal like what your run-of-the-mill homophobic haters say to all LGBTQ people.

    You can’t “change” a tall person into a short person; you can’t “change” a lesbian or gay person into a straight person; and you can’t “change” a bisexual person into some desired variety of monosexual person either. To quote bisexual songwriter + performer Lady Gaga, we were all “Born This Way”.

    Not trying to be Donnie Downer here but everyone needs to understand that Domestic Violence Does Occur in Same-sex relationships at the same rates as in the rest of the population.

    Here is an important pamphlet ALL bisexual + bi-inclusive groups and individuals should be aware of: “Does your partner blame it on your bisexuality? It could be partner abuse.” It can be downloaded free of change as a pdf file.

  2. Justin

    you know what’s uber sad and pathetic? regardless if it’s bi-phobia, trans-phobia, goth-phobia, age-phobia or whatever phobia… i have noticed that there’s more discrimination coming from WITHIN the gay community than outside it!

  3. Leigh Hubbard

    Bisexual simply means that you find both males and females desireable… just as gay or straight find one gender desireable. In choosing tocommit yourself to one person, it really shouldnt matter how many people you find attractive… just that you keep true to the one. I spent over 20 years in a heterosexual marriage, that I was monogamous in, before coming out late in life. I left my marriage amicably, before pursuing another relationship. I am now in a 14 year lesbian relationship, legally married 2 years ago, that I am monogamous in. It isn’t a matter of sexual preference…. it is a matter of fidelity. Bi-sexuals are no more prone to cheating. CHEATERS cheat… gay straight or middle of the road.


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