BY CANDY PARKER
We’ve all found ourselves looking for love in all the wrong places at one point or another. Whether in a smoky bar, the office, amongst an incestuous cadre of friends, or amid the plethora of dating websites, nearly everyone has experienced a peek-a-boo moment with love we’d prefer to forget.
If you’re not the smoky bar type, all of your co-workers are straight and/or coupled, or you prefer to maintain your friendship’s status quo, you have no doubt spent some time online, checking out the personals at oneGoodLove.com, Match.com, TheLesbianPersonals.com, or perhaps the most adventurous site of them all, Craigslist.org. Craigslist (CL) is a website which hosts local community classifieds and forums, including Men4Women (M4W), Men4Men (M4M), and Women4Women (W4W) personals forums, to name some of the tamer options.
I ventured on to CL W4W mistakenly thinking it might be a good place to make some new friends or, even better, meet a potential new girlfriend. Well, CL is a free service and the age-old axiom has never been more true — you most definitely get what you pay for! After a couple of days sorting through the ads, it was obvious that most of the posts populating the W4W forum fell into one of about a half-dozen categories. In order for others to learn from my experience and not have their own expectations shattered, I’ve put together the following guide to CL W4W.
I’m a Skank/My Boyfriend’s a Skank
(but we can’t help but fantasize)
Are you a straight woman with a fantasy? Does your boyfriend have a birthday coming up? Then “I’m a Skank/My Boyfriend’s a Skank” is the place for you!
Never mind that the forum is found in the W4W section — that’s just to keep all the REAL straight women and men without goals from wandering in. If you have a boyfriend, but spend your days daydreaming about what it would be like to be with a woman (and, hey, who hasn’t, right?), then step right up, give us your measurements and his dimensions and let’s get it on! This forum best suited for those with no respect for their partner, who can host, and who own their own digital camera.
I’m Really a Guy and a Pervert
(but since I don’t leave my mom’s basement, this is the only way I can ever possibly hope to see a naked woman)
Are you male, 35+ years old, and still living at home? Do you routinely not bathe for days or weeks at a time? Have you or a close friend had your picture posted on at least one state’s Convicted Sex Offender website? Then “I’m Really a Guy and a Pervert” is the place for you!
Don’t worry about grammar and no need to romance your prey. Just shuffle on in, tell us how horny (alternate spellings include: horney, hornee, whoreny) you are, and tell us ALL about what you’d like to do to us. Be sure to request a naked photo and send us one of you in response.
I’m a Pissy Bitch
(and have nothing better to do than find fault with everyone else)
Do you have a miserable life? Does someone piss in your Cheerios every single damned day of the week? Do you have tons and tons of spare time on your hands? Then “I’m a Pissy Bitch” is the forum for you!
Peruse the ads in the other forums at the CL W4W board and post away with your litany of criticisms and grammatical error corrections. This board is particularly appealing to those who know it all and have never actually experienced heartbreak — makes it much easier to make fun of those who seek advice, guidance, and sympathy on the next board.
Wanna move in?
(aka the woman I met three weeks ago who proposed on our 2nd date just broke up with me)
Do you rent the U-Haul just in anticipation of the first date? Do you use the word “love” with a woman before you’ve memorized the names of her five cats? Then “Wanna move in?” is the place for you!
Debate the pros and cons of co-dependence. Commiserate with others who’ve experienced both the thrill of new love and the agony of the end of a relationship within the same calendar week. This is a great forum for those whose lease is about to expire.
I’m Caucasian/African American/Asian/Hispanic/Etc.
(and I hate everyone else)
Did your granddaddy wear a hood and burn crosses on the neighbor’s lawn? Do you think the words whitewash and whiteboard are racist? Are you incapable of tactfully stating a dating preference for a woman of a specific race without using racial slurs or slanderous physical descriptions? Then “I’m Caucasian/African American/ Asian/ Hispanic/Etc.” is the forum for you!
Who says you can’t be both a player and a hater? Woo that next conquest by showing her just how morally offensive you can be. Note: there are no grammar skill requirements for this forum.
I’m A Normal Lesbian
(and can’t figure out how I ended up here)
Did you stumble onto CL one day, see the W4W icon, and naively post a well-written and witty personal ad listing your interests, what you’re looking for in a partner, and asking that interested individuals contact you? Do you possess boundless quantities of optimism and believe that you might truly find an intelligent, interesting, emotionally stable, single, lesbian or bisexual woman with a sense of humor on CL? Then “I’m a Normal Lesbian” is the place for you!
Practice the great lost art of written communication. Engage in enthralling conversations with other women possessing similar levels of optimism and naivete. Display your class, intelligence, and personality to those who recognize and appreciate such qualities. WARNING: This forum is not heavily trafficked.