The reality of self-transformation: Kicking and screaming in the gap

Cathy Is InCathy DeBuono, licensed psychotherapist, empath, radio personality and actress you may know from “A Perfect Ending,” “We Have to Stop Now” and “And Then Came Lola” is here to help you sort out your deepest thoughts.

Question for Cathy? Post in the comments below or send it over.


Part one of a three-part series

Have you ever wanted to change something about yourself or how you are in relationships or with other people, or anything like that?  Have you ever endeavored into looking closely at your flaws or weaknesses and endured what it took to gracefully navigate out of it?

Listen, if change were as easy as coming to the decision that one needs to be made, the whole world would be a very different place.

Deciding that we want to effect change in ourselves is one thing, engaging in actual effort toward achieving such change is another.

Once the decision has been made that we intend to transform ourselves at a core level, it would behoove us to spend a little time in mindful preparation of the inner obstacles we are likely to encounter along the way.

When our intention has truly shifted toward mindful participation in self-growth, as opposed to our previously relied upon and habitual methods of functioning, the result will necessarily lead to experiences that are inherently new and different. Between our current state of being and our goal state lies an area of negotiation that I like to call, “the gap.”

When we go beyond reading and talking about change and actually engage in trying on alternate perspectives and/or making completely new choices, we are necessarily going to encounter terrain we have habitually avoided.  The shear newness of this state of being can be recognized as confusion.

To be confused, in this context, is to be without the ability to locate one’s role and/or value within the context of one’s current situation and/or environment that has recently shed its previously held meaning, but has yet to redefine itself.

To be in a state of confusion is to essentially be rendered a completely ineffective force in one’s current situation and/or environment. The human ego will not likely tolerate the powerless experience of this new terrain without a bit of kicking and screaming.

The ego is the ration of our psyche that functions to assess the world around it, judge its pitfalls and opportunities and make survival choices accordingly. The ego is not going to go gently into powerlessness without forcing its well-practiced hand.

It is well worth the effort to incorporate the expectation of a sense of confusion as a necessary, unavoidable and non-negotiable part of the process of personal growth and change. Simply expecting your journey will likely include some internal (and possibly external) kicking and screaming can save you time and suffering. If you recognize the gap upon its arrival, then the world is your oyster.

“I am an empath, actor, therapist and a firm believer in truth over diplomacy.” — Cathy

For more, visit

Tune in to “Cathy Is In: The Cathy DeBuono Show” LIVE! with co-host comedian Jennie McNulty, MONDAYS at 3pm PST/ 6pm EST only on LA Talk Radio.

Listen here: archived episodes.

Watch Cathy’s films on demand:
And Then Came Lola
A Perfect Ending
We Have To Stop Now

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