BY ZOE AMOS
Last year, I wrote about Steph and Kelly, a married couple in the midst of family planning. Well, ta-da! It’s baby time! Steph is due in March, and like many moms-to-be, her friends threw a baby shower.
Two dozens lesbians and one male (Steph’s father) got together to celebrate by contributing to the nest. All new moms need stuff. They registered, we bought, and handed it over wrapped and tied with rainbow ribbon.
Of course we ate first—duh! Kudos to our party planners who brought out lasagna, brownies, and pie. We finished off the food as if we were all eating for two.
Afterward, there were gifts aplenty to open. While the festivities went pretty much as you might expect, my mind wandered a bit to the (insert announcer voice here) “Lesbian Baby Shower! With today’s guest moms, Steph and Kelly!” What happens when you get a room full of lesbians together for a baby shower? Test your knowledge with this short quiz.
How many knives does it take to cut through the ribbon on a baby gift?
Just one, but there are two dozen back-ups. Don’t take them out all at once ladies. We don’t want to scare Steph’s dad.
Steph opens a gift. It’s Boob Tubes! They are:
a. Breast pumps shaped like TV sets.
b. Breast-shaped drinking straws.
c. A product designed to ease the discomfort of breast feeding that we want you to demonstrate for us right now.
Steph opens another gift. It’s nipple cream! The reaction from the party is:
a. What flavor is that?
b. Whose nipples do they go on?
c. It’s a product designed to ease the discomfort of breast feeding that we want you to demonstrate for us right now.
Steph opens a package of Pampers Swaddlers and is warned about “blow outs.” A blow out is:
a. A flat tire.
b. A smooth hairdo styled with a blow dryer.
c. The most disgusting thing that can happen with a baby’s diaper, and trust me it will, but only when you are by yourself and both of your hands are full.
Steph opens a series of squishy packages to reveal:
a. Baby’s first yoga pants.
b. Baby’s first construction outfit.
c. Baby’s first robot crib sheets.
d. Three dozen “onesies.”
e. All of the above.
As Steph continues to unwrap packages, the gifts take a literary turn with an assortment of helpful and entertaining books: “Counting with Cats,” “Heather has 2 Mommies, a Nanny, and an Accountant,” “Teach Your Baby to be a Dotcom Billionaire,” “Lactation for Fun and Profit,” and “The Case of the Sleep Robber.”
Finally, there were practical items like the nose syringe and a case of Gerber’s hard cider, as well as a few toys including the huggable stuffed rainbow Pegasus, and baby’s first Harley.
When all the gifts were open, I realized we hadn’t played any traditional baby shower games. I remembered the one where you can’t cross your legs or you get a clothespin clipped to your collar. Hmmm, two dozen women and none of them cross their legs—ever. Next! How about the one where you guess the jelly beans in the jar? Oh, someone ate a bunch? They’re half gone? What about adult lesbian games like, “Who’s More Butch?” Wait! Don’t take out your knife!
Okay, so maybe that’s why we skipped the games. We didn’t need them because we had a great time. All the “aunties” are soooo excited; a few even offered to babysit. Steph, Kelly, did you get their names? I noticed these women were seniors and you know what happens to memory, especially when crying babies are involved.
My guess is you’ll both be so entranced by your sweet, little bundle of joy, your idea of fun will be to stay home, put on an adult onesie, and watch her. Then, the real shower begins as you shower her with love. What could be better?
Zoe Amos brings her lesbian point of view to articles and stories on diverse topics. Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter. Read her stories on Kindle and Nook. Check out her other life at www.janetfwilliams.com