DeRossi files for divorce, cites Ellen’s chronic boogie fever


“She’s like a Mexican jumping bean. I mean no disrespect to Mexicans or jumping beans, but enough is enough,” Portia DeRossi said in an interview on “The Queen Latifah Show” today. “The woman never stops moving or listening to Earth Wind and Fire or KC and the Sunshine Band. I can’t take it anymore. It’s not sexy and she knows it.”

DeRossi made the media rounds to discuss her split with her wife Ellen DeGeneres after six years of marriage. Citing her spouse’s addiction to shaking her booty as well her obsession with watching cute kid and kitty videos, DeRossi filed for divorce on Monday, checking the “irreconcilable boogie fever” box.

“Ellen combs the internet 24-7 so she won’t miss a kid-talking-back-to-his-mom video or a friggin’ kitten sneezing video. And she can’t watch them quietly by herself. No, it’s “Portia, you’ve got to see this” all day, every day, while she’s bobbing around like a buoy in a storm,” she said. “Kids talk back. Kittens sneeze. Get over it. Sit still.”

When pressed by Latifah about DeGeneres’ rhythmic compulsions, DeRossi acknowledged that DeGeneres may indeed “have ants in her pants.”

“I’ve asked her to see a doctor a thousand times, but she’s such a tree-hugging vegan. She said that if she did have ants in her pants, she would leave them there because she wouldn’t want to hurt them,” DeRossi said tearfully. “She’s such a good person.”

DeGeneres’ former partner Anne Heche sent DeRossi a sympathetic Tweet: “@portiaderossi Sorry 4 u. Thought lez dancing was par 4 course. Drove me nuts 2. ;)”

While DeGeneres could not be reached for comment, she said through her rep that “she’s hopeful she and her two-left-footed wife can work things out.”

Also, DeGeneres announced a video contest. “The first kid holding a kitten, or kitten holding a kid — whatever floats your boat, who am I to judge? Wait, I am the judge — anyway, the first combination of kids and kittens who can explain ‘Arrested Development’ to me wins $100,000 and the opportunity to dance with me on the show,” DeGeneres said.

Happy April Fool’s Day!

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