Ask the Femme: Is she a lesbian? Look at her nails

Natasia Langfelder of Ask the FemmeBY NATASIA LANGFELDER

Dear Femme,
This might be a dumb thing to ask and don’t know if you are the person that can answer it. I have a person who I think is a lesbian. But I don’t know how to approach her to find out without hurting her feelings if she is not gay. Any suggestions on how to handle it? Thanks.


Dear SW,
Of course, I’m the right person to ask! And it’s not a dumb question, in fact, I’m glad you asked. It’s sad that we live in a society where people get super offended if you assume they are gay. You don’t say why you think this person is a lesbian, but that’s irrelevant. Basically, there is no good way to approach someone for the sole reason to find out if they are gay or not and you need to examine your own motives for doing so.

If you want to tell this person you think she’s gay because you’re curious and want to help her, don’t say anything. I’m sure she knows. I know it’s crazy to even think someone would do that, but it happens.

If you two are already friends, you can talk freely about your own queerness or ask her if she is seeing anyone or talk about how great pride was this year or casually drop a reference to “The L Word” and see if she knows what you are talking about. Or just look at her nails.

However, I’m getting a strong I-am-admiring-this-woman-from-afar-and-I-want-to-know-if-it’s-safe-for-me-to-ask-her-out vibe from your letter.

First, look at her nails. Then, say hello and smile. If she’s someone you cross paths with everyday, start making small talk like, “Oh hey, didn’t I see you here yesterday?” or “We cross paths a lot. Do you work in this building?” Basically, treat her like a person. If she’s a lesbian and she wants you to know it, she’ll let you know. But you need to open up the lines of communication. If your small talk progresses, casually drop in a reference to something gay (I’m sure you can think of something) and see what happens.

Good luck,
The Femme

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Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

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