Ask the Femme: She’s just not into you

Natasia Langfelder of Ask the FemmeBY NATASIA LANGFELDER

Dear Femme,
I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years. Attractive, talented, all of that. She was very sweet and friendly with me and finally single! But she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while. Not really in the market now. (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.)

She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe, but she’s who I really want!

Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman??” How do I resolve this?

Thank you,

Hi WS,
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but the girl you want? She’s just not into you. I hate using that expression because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc.

The red flag in the letter, in my opinion, isn’t her offering to set you up with other people. In fact, the first time I went out with my now-girlfriend, I offered to help her meet other women. I have no idea why I did this! In retrospect, I have a long and insane history of trying to match up people I was interested in with other people, only to be relieved when the pairing didn’t work out so I could confess my real feelings and get some serious make-out action.

My gut feeling in your case is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dud. But if she was into you, she would probably have added a caveat that when she was ready, she would like to see where things could go with you two.

I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. But to be completely honest, you’re the woman I want to go on a date with. But if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else.” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart and talented as she is.

As for the family part, talk about burying the lead. You might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents both as a new partner instead of having the “but you were straight before you met her” conversation. It’s better to let your family have time to get used to the idea that there will be a lady coming home to meet them at some point, so they don’t direct any resentment or confusion onto her. Relationships are hard enough without adding that kind of pressure into the equation.

Good luck, WS and keep in touch!

Have a question for me? Email me at or send me a Facebook message!

Natasia Langfelder is just a girl, writing about girls in New York City. Read more of her work at Hot Femme in the City.

Leave a Reply

  • (will not be published)