BY JENNIE MCNULTY
My name is … Well, it’s not important. What’s important is my struggle. I have recently been exposed in a way for which I was totally unprepared and, quite frankly, I did not deserve. I hope you will hear my plea. And take action. This abuse must stop.
For years I have been supportive. I have been there in good times and bad. I will admit, sometimes, my presence is overstated — I’m not really “all that.” But, at other times, I am right on the money. I have been with you through thick and thin, through sunshine and rain and, always, I remained brash and strong — yet pliable.
I am a foam finger. Nay, I am THE foam finger. That’s right, the forefinger abused on national television by the achy breaky spawn at the VMAs. I must have my say. I was an unwilling participant — called there on false pretenses!
Told I was headed to a Mets game, I rested, wanting to keep erect for my duties. The other fingers slept as well (their supportive plight always overlooked as I gain the glory). We all awoke to hubbub, glitz and drugs at the Barclay Center. And, while the ring finger did enjoy the cocaine, I had an immediate sense of unease, validated, as it turns out, by the unfortunate events of the evening. I was ready to be hoisted in the air as a baseball traveled through the hot summer sky into the stands. What I got was plunged into dark, murky space that, like me, was not really ready for a spotlight.
Maybe I was summoned for my literal meaning — though, that seems unlikely. Maybe it’s just because I’m soft foam and feel good on the skin. Or, maybe, it was a random crime — it was me for no more reason than the stuff in the swag bag wasn’t big enough for television. All I can tell you is it wasn’t my idea. I’m an athletic supporter to be sure. I am, in fact, No. 1. But the support I provided that night was not genuine. It was more fabricated than the artist who wielded me.
I will continue my efforts at sporting events. I will once again proudly proclaim your team to be No. 1, whether they are leading the league or dwelling in the cellar. But, I am henceforth retiring from any other public spectacles. I’ll not be at political rallies or children’s plays. I will not proclaim your cherry pie to be the best at the fair. And, if this new guy retires, too — I will not announce the next pontiff.
I am standing up for myself now. I will never be humiliated again. I am No. 1. I represent sports teams not people’s seams. Please, on behalf of all of us, never abuse other foam fingers. It’s not right. And don’t forget — when you point me at someone, three other fingers point back at you — and it’s likely that one of them is pretty coked up.
Foam Finger 1
Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians and is a featured Sweet performer. She can be heard weekly as co-host of LA Talk Radio‘s “Cathy Is In: The Cathy DeBuono Show.”