BY JENNIE MCNULTY
Here is why we have not been visited by aliens. Not because they don’t exist, of course they do. But, to quote the old SNL “Wayne’s World” duo, we’re not worthy.
Let’s say you’re from another planet and seeking intelligent life forms. Obviously, you’ve figured out space travel. You’ve either got really fast transport devices or have nailed the whole suspended animation thing. You are, as they said on Star Trek, “boldly going…” You love to study and learn. You love what we call science.
Or, perhaps, you’re looking for a new place to live and, if earth doesn’t meet your metabolic criteria, you fly over. But if it does, you hover and check us out. And, after a few circumnavigations, your computers decipher our languages and you can see just what this rock is all about.
Our alien pals see war and terrorism. Perhaps, it’s why they left their own digs. Perhaps, it seems to them a rather confusing aspect of evolution that hasn’t yet been weaned out. Or, perhaps they think it’s a really, extra-violent, group version of MMA fighting.
They see gender inequalities and must wonder why this whole planet does not worship, much less treat unfairly, the half that continues the species. Maybe they think the female, is just being kind to the plodding, less complicated other half. Or maybe even in space, everyone blames their mother for their issues.
Then they focus on one of the more developed of areas on this planet — our good ole U. S. of A and investigate. They see the Kardashians and reality TV and have to circle us twice more, never really figuring that one out. They look at our current election debates, speeches and proclamations and wonder why one side seems to be taking it so much more seriously than the other. And then they learn about our “Bathroom Bills…”
CUT TO: Interior Spaceship Hovering Earth
(Translated for your convenience)
Alien 1: So, the ozone layer protecting them is depleting, the essential fluid covering 70 percent of their planet is becoming poisoned, corruption amongst their leaders is rampant and they’re worried about who goes in what room to eliminate their waste?
Alien 2: Yep, apparently, they are scared.
Alien 1: Of what?
Alien 2: Not sure, some sort of spontaneous attack.
Alien 1: Why there? Why then? Other than elimination, don’t they usually just read or do their — what do they call it, ‘Faceblocking’ while they’re in there?
Alien 2: Either that or Instagriming but, yes, that’s the place where some think they will be in immediate danger.
Alien 1: From what?
Alien 2: From what the indigenous species of this planet called “Two Spirits.” Not even a huge portion of the population either, but they’ve been around forever.
Alien 1: Is there some sort of precedent for this projected assailment?
Alien 2: No, but they seem to be an easily distracted group. They don’t waste much time on evidence for their conclusions.
Alien 1: Well, if their response to that orange blowhard with the bad head fur is any indication, I think we could probably land here and just take over fairly easily.
Alien 2: True, but is it worth it? We’d have to work soooo hard to get these creatures up to speed. And, I’m not sure we’d even have enough time. In a few billion years, their sun becomes a red giant, their oceans boil and we’d have to leave again. This planet is just not worth flipping. Let’s move on.
Alien 1: I guess. But it’s just so cute here — wouldn’t take much of a remodel at all.
Alien 2: I know but, despite what the space Realtors tell you, it’s not simply “location.” You have to consider all aspects of the location, like the other residents of the neighborhood. This village is full of idiots.
Alien 1: I guess, you’re right but I still don’t get the bathroom thing.
Alien 2: Agreed, it’s completely illogical. They have real brain glitches regarding their waste. They build themselves little private rooms with locks for this universal activity, like they’re hiding it. And then they carry around canine feces in a bag.
Alien 1: Ha! I know. But I still don’t get why they think they are at risk, just what is it they think will happen?
Alien 2: Maybe they’re afraid someone might make them think.
Alien 1: Must be why the females go in pairs.
Alien 2: Hmmm, could be.
Alien 1: Yeah, but they sure could used our technology for harnessing all that solar power being shot at them.
Alien 2: They have it. They just prefer to use oil, coal and gas despite the harmful by-products they release. It’s killin’ ‘em, actually. I told you they make no sense.
Alien 1: That could explain the bathroom thing …
Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians.