Polyamorous parenting: It takes a village


I am in a relationship with a person who is quite a bit older than I am. We’ve been together for seven years. We nearly broke up over the fact that I want a child. He feels like he is too old to be a father. After a lot of back and forth, we decided to stay together, and try to find someone with whom I can have a child.

Ideally, we want the three of us to raise the child together — to form a family. And we are open to having a sexual or non-sexual, romantic or non-romantic relationship with this person — they can be gay, straight, bi — the important part is that we are all a good fit with each other, and that they want to have a child in this weird kind of family unit.

We’ve been feeling a bit stuck as to where to look for someone who might be interested in this.

First off, I would like to say that this type of an arrangement is hardly “weird.” Parents in non-monogamous family structures have been coming out left and right in the recent past! Take out the idea that this is “weird” and it will make it much easier for you to approach people. If you think it’s weird, it will feel weird.

Think of this as a networking assignment.

Find a community of like-minded people in which you will naturally run into other poly parents. Thanks to the age of Google, which contains mystical and vast worlds of Facebook, MeetUp and oh so many more, like-minded friends are easier to find.

Don’t only focus on people who you would want to join you in your triad — make some friends. Those buddies can help keep an eye out for you as well. As with networking, tact is key.

Be out and proud.

Hopefully you are in a place where being out about wanting a polyamorous family is something that is possible. Hanging out a shingle and representing yourself to the fullest extent that you can is the best way to signal to the rest of the world you seek.


Finally, you have to understand that it may take a bit of time. The first person who you may come across or who you invite to try this dynamic with you may not be the best match. Date around and have some fun with it.

Also, Check out Arial Clark’s blog on poly parenting, she is a phenomenal resource on all things poly parenting!

Nia Person has been interested in how people fit together since the first time she realized that the word “sex” can mean a plethora of different things to different people. TMI? There’s no such thing — her ears perk up whenever there is a relationship or life mystery to be solved. Nia is SFSI certified sex geek and is shooting Cupid’s arrows as a matchmaker at Tawkify. Nia is currently living in the loveliest of menageries in Oakland, California. Send questions to AskMissNia@gmail.com.

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