Ask the Femme: My new friend is a Trump supporter, do I need to dump her?


Dear Femme,

This isn’t a dating question or anything but I hope you can help. I’ve recently moved to a new city and I fell in with a group of queer women. They have accepte304865969_fbb11ac285_bd me and I feel so happy to have finally found my people. Lately, a friend of one of my new friends has been coming to everything the group does. Let’s call her Karen. She’s really cool. She’s a singer and her career is taking off. She’s great looking and always the life of party. Whenever we walk into a bar everyone pays attention to us and bartenders treat her like a VIP. She’s so much fun and I enjoy being with her. I thought this was going to be the start of a great friendship. There’s one problem. She’s a Trump supporter.

She’s never mentioned this in front of the friend group. But I noticed that she commented on a celebrity’s Instagram. The celebrity (she’s queer and we both follow her) posted an anti-Trump meme and the comments were mostly people agreeing. But then I saw that Karen had commented. She was disagreeing. She said that Trump’s not racist and that people are putting words in his mouth. Then she argued with people who told her she was wrong, saying that they didn’t know him and had no proof. She came off like a bigoted idiot.

I don’t think I can be friends with someone who supports Trump. I moved away from my small town in order to get away from people like that. I’m disappointed in her and I don’t know what to do. Making the friend group choose between hanging out with her or me is petty and beneath me. And deep down I’m scared that they will choose her over me. I also don’t want to confront her over the issue and I’m not sure that there’s a third option. What should I do?

-Dump Trump

Dear Dump Trump,
What a pickle! I totally get why you wouldn’t want to hang out with this girl. She sounds terrible. It’s always surprising to me when a queer person (or a Latino person or a Muslim person) supports Trump. But they are out there! This election has made everyone go absolutely insane, the stakes are higher than ever and everything feels very personal. This has wrecked havoc on personal relationships. I feel like all advice columnists have had to deal with a “My spouse likes Trump and I hate him” question. However, your question is a little different, because this is a low-stakes friendship and not your life partner. So, yay for that, right?

Moving on- okay so you found out your new lezbro is terrible. I’m sorry, that sucks! If she wasn’t in your friend group, I would say to just pull the “slow fade” on her and just stop reaching out to her to hang out, take a long time to respond to texts and cancel plans, etc. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes it’s the kindest way to end things. I would still recommend doing something similar to this. You guys are acquaintances, so if you
don’t have her number don’t get it. Be polite but never initiate contact. There are plenty of friend groups that have members who orbit around each other. So orbit around her, be nice but standoffish. As long as she doesn’t mention Trump in front of you, don’t ruffle feathers.

That being said, if Karen does mention her support of Trump, I think you should tell her that you find his morals reprehensible, you are disappointed in her for supporting him and you aren’t interested in discussing him with her. Say it in a neutral tone, but firmly. Chances are if Karen is crazy enough to support Trump, there’s no reasonable or sane argument you could make to change her mind. She may also be looking for a fight, Trump supporters can be violent, so be sure not to give her one.

I would also mention the interaction you saw on Instagram to a few of the members of your crew. If they are anti-racist, then this may change the way they think about Karen as well. Don’t ask them to pick between you two, as they become aware of who Karen is underneath the partying and good looks, they might want to ditch her as well.

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

The Femme
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photo credit: so confused via photopin (license)

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