Ask the Femme: My Girlfriend’s BFF is too Possessive


photo credit: IMG_3346 via photopin (license)

photo credit: IMG_3346 via photopin (license)

Dear Femme,

I want to know what you think about a possessive gay BFF.  I started dating my girl knowing that her BFF basically lived with her.  It’s sort of a weird situation, in that she basically pays for his booze when they go out, and he manages her money- meaning she’ll hand him her $$$ and he’ll dole it out.  Correct me if I’m too traditional, but shouldn’t that be my job?

And ever since we’ve been getting more serious, he’s been less able to spend time with her, no more overnights, and no “platonic sugar mama.”  I’m also very vocal when I think anyone’s taking advantage of her, whether it’s him, her family, or any random stranger.  She says this makes her feel safe, which makes me believe I’m not overstepping my bounds.

However, I do like her BFF, and while I’ve set boundaries where he’s tried to do the same to me, she and him obviously have a different relationship.  What’s the best approach to getting she and I to be where I want us to be without burning bridges with anyone in her life?

-The Girlfriend

Hey TG,

First of all- your girlfriend shouldn’t be giving her money to anyone else to “dole out.” Not you and not her BFF. If she is an adult with a job, then she needs to figure out her finances on her own or with an actual advisor.

As far as her relationship with her BFF changing, that tends to happen once people form serious partnerships. Usually, a couple’s social circle doubles and there just isn’t time for everyone the way there used to be. Also, once you are in a relationship, your significant other starts to occupy the majority of your time and life – which leads to other relationships evolving and changing. It sounds as if this change is already taking place in your girlfriend’s life.

So what should you do? Nothing! Let your girlfriend figure out her friendships and her life. It’s fair to gently point out when people are trying to take advantage of her, but remember not to bully her and definitely don’t alienate her from her friends and family. That is the worst thing you could possibly do. As for her BFF, just be nice to him and include him in the plans you make sometimes. And if he wants to crash on the couch after a night out or after a fun movie night in, don’t kick him out. If your girlfriend loves this guy, then there must be something there for you to love too.

Good Luck TG! Let us know how it goes.


The Femme

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