BY NATASIA LANGFELDER
In a stunning turn of events, Ann Coulter, the controversial pundit and author revealed that she has been a closeted lesbian throughout her long career. Coulter rose to fame for her criticism of the Clinton administration. She has stayed in the public eye for her public attacks on America’s 9/11 widows, fat shaming Republican Governor Chris Christie, blaming the moral decay of American Society on soccer and, of course, her hatred of both the Jewish and Muslim faiths.
“I’m a hatemonger for a reason. That reason is that I have been desperately unhappy.” The conservative personality announced in a statement released today.
“I would like everyone to know that after a series of events, all of which involved the exchange of monetary goods for sex, I’ve realized am a gay woman. If only I had been able to accept that earlier, the world would have been spared the torment of my illogical vitriolic rants and garbage-spewing books. I am truly sorry. And swipe right on Tinder if you see me, ladies!”
Rush Limbaugh was the first to denounce Coulter, his longtime friend and ally, on his radio show. Directly following Coulter’s statement, Limbaugh announced on-air that he had always sensed something about Coulter was “off.”
“I really never liked that woman, never trusted her.” He blathered, “I’ve always said, you can’t trust a woman who gives terrible blow jobs. Trust me, folks, her’s are the worst.”
MSNBC host, Rachel Maddow, was also asked to comment on the shocking turn of events. “If she’s happy, I’m happy for her. But, you know, I wouldn’t set her up with any of my friends. They all love soccer and don’t believe in racial profiling.”
April Fools! Don’t worry, it’s better if this one plays for the other team.