BY JENNIE MCNULTY
By now you’ve heard that Charles Manson and a 26-year-old woman he’s since renamed “Star” are getting married.
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime. The bell that is, that signals all prisoners back to their cells. Insert here all the well-deserved observations that there’s a 54-year-age difference; they won’t even get conjugal visits because he’s serving a life sentence; and, of course, “mass murderers can marry and gays can’t?!” Well, mass murder orchestrators to be precise but, still.
But is she crazy? Who are we to judge? Is she in love? She’s been visiting him weekly since she moved, at age 19. to the city in which he’s incarcerated and began writing to him three years prior. Sounds like love. She was attracted to his ATWA (Air Trees Water Animals) philosophy. See there? Somewhere between the LSD and the stabbings lurked a nascent environmentalist. His softer side. She’s dedicated. She once shaved her hair and cut an “X” into her forehead in protest to his being put in solitary confinement. Out here in LA we use botulism in that spot. Who’s crazier?
Although, it seems silly for her to want to seem younger for a man 54 years her senior, maybe she does have issues.
She’s not thinking clearly. Not about her nuptials. That’ll be the easiest wedding in the world to plan. They’re only allowed 10 guests, won’t need a caterer and can easily be registered at the prison commissary. But what about her future?
Most likely, Charlie will die before her. And, virgin or not, she’s set a really low bar for subsequent mates. Really, who can’t top a mass murdering, octogenarian loony? What will her match.com profile say? “I really believe in knowing where my husband is every night.”
Then again, maybe that’s her plan. To set a record for partnering with incarcerated killers. Tall dark and handsome? Sorry Star, we shot Osama. Or, maybe she marries the Menendez brothers. Oh, wait, they BOTH married AFTER they were put in jail. Lyle Menendez, in fact, has been married twice. Phil Spector? Sorry, Star, also taken. But who could resist that hair?
Why is it women fall for convicted criminals? Some psychologists say it’s a “mothering” instinct. Some say that it’s the belief they can save or change them. I say it’s an evolutionary response to weed out the weirdos. Carry on ladies! Keep those genes outta the pool, thank you.
And, in the meantime, when the attorneys for gay marriage are next asked to prove that gays getting married won’t defile the sanctity of marriage, they need only say five words to the judge: “Charles Manson. Now, define sanctity.”