Single ladies, it’s time to fall back in love with you

BY BETHANY FRAZIER
Lesbian.com

Alas, you’re not losing it every 30 minutes. Once the intense sadness and cry-fests from your recent break up has coursed its way through and flipped your once safe world upside down, a new and unknown journey on the road to recovery starts to begin.

For me, it’s the first time, in a long time, I’m connecting back with me. At the same time, I’m gently healing the parts of myself, damaged by the emotional, physical and spiritual neglect I experienced in our unstimulating relationship.

It’s no surprise that we sometimes lose ourselves in our partner. Luckily, some of us cling to some form of consciousness, so we don’t lose ourselves completely. However, the parts of us that were lost likely were also damaged.

But every day, you come back alive. The more alive you become, it’s likely the more you see the relationship in a different light. The more you see it this way, the more you’ll resent her. The more you resent her, the more you try to let it all go and forgive her. This 24-seven cycle is what I call growth, my friends.

Being single is so interesting. From cooking dinner for one and watching whatever you want to seeing whoever you want, this whole me-myself-and-I thing settles in.

During my own journey, I’m not morphing into someone I’m not distracting myself with people who don’t know the genuine me. This is a good time to even put some acquaintance-types of friends on pause because they don’t nurture your growth. Their whole “you just need to sleep with someone, that’ll help you get over it” answer might not be the solution you want to hear.

The switch from a unit to individual is spiritual, if you let it be. By using the word spiritual, I mean a deep, blind dive into a sadness-drenched, physically painful, obsessive self-doubting whirlwind and, now, the start of a rebirth. The old and the new you start to collide.

One of my favorite things I’ve read (and re-read) is the concept of “conscious uncoupling” from Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, Goop. This is some deep stuff and with an open mind, you might get the idea. Of course, we don’t feel this zen about it all the time.

Dr. Habib Sadeghi and Dr. Sherry Sami write in their article on the Goop site: “It seems ironic to say that a marriage coming apart is the cause of something else coming together, but it’s true. Conscious uncoupling brings wholeness to the spirits of both people who choose to recognize each other as their teacher. If they do, the gift they receive from their time together will neutralize their negative internal object that was the real cause of their pain in the relationship. If we can allow ourselves this gift, our exoskeleton of protection and imprisonment will fall away and offer us the opportunity to begin constructing an endoskeleton, an internal cathedral, with spiritual trace minerals like self-love, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. This process allows us to begin projecting something different into the world because we’ve regained a missing part of our heart.”

Your exoskeleton will shed everyday and your eyes will open every hour. One day, they’ll be so open that you’ll be thankful your relationship crushed your heart and spirit for that time.

So, while your getting used to the new quietness, there’s a strong self-revolution on its way. A better you — a little smarter, maybe more cautious, but a mended spirit, broken and reconstructed, all on your own.

Born a true Texas girl, Bethany U-Hauled to the beautiful, history-drenched city of Richmond, Virginia, for long distance love that eventually ended. In addition to obsessing and writing about Richmond’s food scene (restaurants, festivals, and trends), she’s a connoisseur of painting, aromatherapy, indie music and English accents. Find her stuff at Grub Like A Girl and One Check Or Two.