BY JENNIE MCNULTY
Friday, February 26, is National “Tell a Fairy Tale Day.” So, in honor of this most revered of holidays, here it is, a fairy tale just for you — and a cautionary tale if ever there were one.
An Elephant Feary Tale
There once was a land of great beauty and plenty. It was filled with every flora and fauna. All things of both thought and deed were possible. The people of the land, having left tyranny and persecution in their former hamlets, created a new system in this new land. They made new rules and gave themselves new freedoms. No longer would they be told how to think or feel. Now, they decided things amongst themselves freely and fairly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, they raped and pillaged the original inhabitants who cherished and protected this beautiful expanse. And, yeah, they stole this land and cheated and slaughtered its people, but this is a fairy tale, sometimes ya gotta leave out actual details. And, don’t worry, I’ll get back to them.
The people worked together in their towns and villages. They learned together too and great achievements were made. Every son and daughter strived to learn more and accomplish more than their parents did. Everyone prospered. Little houses were built on little prairies. Soon, this land became known by all the world as the BEST land – a land of the free, a land of the brave.
As time went on, the villagers no longer cared as much about discovering new things. They ate fatted calves, drank much ale and created fast food and corn syrup. They no longer paid attention to their great land. They no longer strived to learn and excel with gusto. The wealth and riches, once available to anyone willing to toil, were soon gobbled up by a few shady characters like a tiny forest squirrel gathering nuts for the winter.
But the villagers paid no heed. They ate from the apple of this land, not realizing, its soil had become tainted. A great sleepy condition did overtake the citizenry such that, while harmful edicts, misdeeds and skullduggery transpired, the people shared pictures of their lunch.
Then along came a parade of elephants. Wise elephants, who saw the sleepy people and knew what to do. “We shall use fear,” said the elephants. “We will win control over the kingdom. These sleepy sheep shall beg for our protection and do our bidding like a reed bows to a great wind(bag),” the giants proclaimed. “We shall first tell them, that certain unions of peoples shall destroy the land and bring about the wrath of God and the ruination of their own unions -and they shall listen.” And, they did. “Then we shall tell a tale so tall, so filled with deadly imagery and lies that they cannot but choose to let us lead them still.” And, they did.
The villagers far and near were fearful – as the elephants had hoped. But, as time went on, they became angry. The townsfolk became weary of the elephant and looked instead to the donkey. A new donkey, one filled with hope and change, not like the other asses. And the donkey spent 7 years picking up pachyderm poop while the still sleepy people paid only as much attention as could be focused in 15 seconds or less.
When the time came to choose their next leader, another parade of elephants stomped forward armed, as always, with their portent of panic. But there came an even larger harbinger of doom. One created from their own message of dismay and intimidation. One who saw what the old elephants did and amplified it with his own giant trunk of terror. This goliath, who was really both an elephant and a giant ass, had a hide of orange and wild tuft of fur upon his head so distracting it brought forth gales of laughter from all who saw it. But, laughter could not stop this elephant. He ignored it and only Trumpeted louder.
Even the other elephants became scared. Many in the parade ran away. He even scared away one with royal lineage – one so certain he was the right choice he had added an exclamation mark to his name!
“How can this be?” wondered the others. “This unruly ungulate has used our own tricks against us! He must be stopped!” But there was no stopping this monster. He took the fears and insecurities that had been planted in the masses by his predecessors and watered them like a nefarious, gardening gargoyle.
Are you scared yet? You should be. For I have no end to this tale. Not yet anyway. It might end up as horrific as your own imagination can conjure. But you can do something. You have a magic wand. You can stop this bellicose buffoon. Or, you can dodge the donkey. However you’d like to see this tale end, you need only wave your magic wand. You can take back this land from the fear mongering blowhards. Just pull that magic wand in the little booth this November.
Oh, and of those original inhabitants? Their spirits continue to haunt. In fact, if you go out to the woods and listen (hurry, they may be gone soon) you will hear them laughing at us, “Hey ‘Americans’ you might wanna pay attention – while you weren’t lookin’ Monsanto f*cked up all your maize.”
Jennie McNulty was named one of Curve magazine’s Top 10 lesbian comedians.