BY NATASIA LANGFELDER
Drunk texting. We all have “That Girl.” The one you can’t stay away from. During the day, you use all your willpower to stop yourself from texting her. “ZOMG I just saw the cutest dog, she needs to know about it because she loves dogs!” But then your better judgment kicks in and don’t send it.
When you’re sober, dignity is the more obvious choice. But, that same thought, when you’re drunk, you don’t it hold back. You throw it alllll out there. And what do you get back? “Haha. So funny babe. Hey my new girlfriend says waddup.” Then you kind of want to curl up into a little ball and die, don’t you? It’s a form of masochism.
Let me say this: The person who rejected you and kicked you to the curb doesn’t get to enjoy your amazing personality. So that’s the real reason you should stop texting her.
Don’t feel bad. We all do it, so that officially makes it an epidemic. I’ve written several letters to Congress to get them to take action on this issue, but for some reason, my voice remains unheard. Luckily, the lovely Enigma is lending me her blog to help spread the anti-drunk texting word. I’ve compiled my foolproof anti-drunk texting solutions into an easy to follow list. So let’s do it like you used to do that b*tch before she reached into your chest, ripped out your heart and fed it to her dog.
TAKE HER NUMBER OUT OF YOUR PHONE
Don’t panic, I’m not telling you to delete her number so you can’t ever contact her again. You have a few options:
1. Have your BFF friend save her number in her phone for you. So when you are sober and alone the next day and responsible enough to handle having her number, you can get it back. This is also good because it is at your BFF’s discretion whether or not you can handle having the number. For example, some of us party hard enough to wake up still drunk the next morning. A good friend won’t give you the number back until after you are out of the drunk-texting danger zone.
2. Write her number down and put it in your freezer. I have a friend who swears by this. It’s pretty easy to forget about someone if they are stuck in the back of your freezer. When you are sober, you will never believe you put her number in there and you might never go back to get it.
3.The freezer isn’t for you? Okay, write her number down and put it in your sex drawer. This way, when you bring another girl home and reach into the drawer for the dental dams you will remember that your ex wasn’t nearly as cute as the girl you just brought home from the bar. That will zap your nostalgia right in the butt.
RENAME HER CONTACT IN YOUR PHONE
Not loving the idea of taking her number out of your phone? Do you know when you’re drunk you will rummage in your freezer to find it? Or tackle your BFF in order to get the number back? Fine. Let’s try again. Rename your ex in your phone to send a signal that you will understand in any state of inebriation.
1. Cheating Cheater
2. Jerk Hole
3. Lying Liar
4. Best Friend Screwer
5. Worst Mistake Ever
Alright, do you already know my other tricks won’t work for you? Are you thinking, “But Natasia, she’s the most beautiful princess in the world and she tastes like beer and I love her.” Alright, here is my best piece of advice. Change her contact number in her phone. Find a friend, not one that you are going to hang out with that night. The best choice for this is an old college or high school friend that you trust with your life, who maybe lives out of town or out of state. Replace The Girl’s phone number with The Friend’s phone number. When you are drunk, you won’t remember that you did this. So you can text away to your little heart’s delight and wake up in the morning with absolutely no regrets.
FIND A NEW GIRL TO KISS
This is also pretty foolproof.
Voila! We have defeated the drunk text. So go forth and party ladies, and leave the ex out of the equation.