Welcome back to “Ask the Femme.” Where I field your questions on love and dating. This week, we have a woman who is worried that her crush “isn’t ready for a relationship right now.”
I recently ran into a woman I’ve had an eye on for years. attractive, talented, all of that. She was very sweet and friendly with me and finally single. But she said she needed a “break” from the dating scene for a while, not really in the market now. (I had never to my knowledge directly told or even hinted to her that I was queer before, but she seemed to casually know anyway.) She said she could help introduce me to other girls maybe, but she’s who I really want.
Moreover, my mom has a particularly high regard for her as well, so she’s the only person I know of that my family would support initially rather than questioning like, “What is she DOING dating a woman?” How do I resolve this?
I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but, the girl you want, she’s just not into you. I hate using that expression, because life isn’t black and white and sometimes timing is off, things come up, etc. But my gut feeling is that she’s being a good person (which is probably why you are so taken with her) and letting you down gently. Which doesn’t mean she doesn’t think you are great; she wouldn’t want to introduce you to her friends if she thought you were a dating dud.
I know, it stings, but it’s not personal. You can’t force chemistry.
I think that you SHOULD take her up on her offer to introduce you to other women, but do it in a way where you give her first dibs. Call her up, say “I’ve been thinking about your offer to introduce me to other girls, and I want to take you up on it. You’re the one I want, but if I can’t have you, I need to find someone else!” Which is completely true! Chances are if she really isn’t interested, she will laugh this off as a joke and your pride will still be intact. If she is interested, she will put the kibosh on introducing you around and take you up on your offer. Either way, you win. This woman probably knows other women who are as pretty, smart, talented, etc. as she is.
As for the family part, you might want to consider coming out to your family and getting them used to the idea that you will be dating women before you actually bring one home. You don’t want your poor girlfriend to have to deal with meeting the parents as both a new partner and as the person who “made you” queer. Instead of having the ”but you were straight before you met her,” conversation when it’s too late, have it now when you don’t have a relationship that might be strained by it.
Good luck, WS and keep in touch!